pope

(no subject)




I don't really use -- or frankly care -- about LJ anymore. but I wanted to share this clip with one person who I can only find through this site. so: hello and goodbye.
pope

emotions and sunburn

are two of the things I am having right now. The emo has returned, which forces me to ask whether the prozac actually is doing anything other than making me weirdly spaced-out occasionally. But it's been a very fun couple of weeks; I went out to Mendocino and then up to Medford with Sarah, then hung out with my brother for a weekend, got a nice sunburn working on his property. i feel slightly less out of shape than I used to. and tomorrow is my 'orientation' for Chico State, and I'm unsure about what I need to bring; the official school line is that I have to bring proof of my childhood immunizations, but I honestly haven't seen them in 3 years, so I'm hoping they'll let it slide.

anyhow.

things proceed apace.
pope

(no subject)

1) I hadn't realized how . . . debilitating the anxiety-type feelings were until I started the medication. Now I notice them but they don't hobble me; I see the thoughts / feelings from a slight distance, notice them, move on.

2) I feel pretty much everything that way. slightly removed. I still know that I'm lonely and unhappy, but now it's a thud and not a stab. If that makes any sense?

3) I heard the Shimmies doing a cover of Nirvana's "Aneurysm" today. A: God I love live music. B: I never hear Nirvana covers -- is that 'cause it's sacrosanct or just not interesting to musicians? C: We *are* in post-post-punk now, aren't we? The guys in the band made a joke about how they just wrote that song yesterday, and maybe a quarter of the people in the room didn't get why the rest of us were chuckling. weird.

*shrug* I've been that person before. not in on the joke or the musical / cultural reference. Will Stenberg, aka apparently Willy Rubio (insert eye roll) used to bust my chops constantly for trying to act like I was in the know when I wasn't. I just wanted to be liked. I think he meant well, but I took it hard.

blah. also! went to a baseball game today. fun!
pope

I'm a negative crepe. (heh.)

Called Paige to see if she wanted to go a-baking today. she did, but I wanted to make crepes, for brunch, so I could, y'know, eat them. She wanted to bake fancy chocolate cake for the folks who did her biopsy. She won, which is cool except I didn't get to eat crepes. OR cake. so we spent 5 hours in the kitchen and I didn't get any food.

but baking was fun. I've missed it. I definitely seem to have more every-day energy lately. that's nice. maybe it's just that I'm bored out of my gourd because I have no money for the next 15 days and nothing to do with my time? yeah, that could be it.
pope

(no subject)

I woke up this morning and my mind was wide awake and ready to do things. anything, it didn't care what. this was at about 6:30 in the morning. I tried to move, but my body was having absolutely none of it. that's a pretty new experience for me -- usually all of me wakes up at the same time. This went on until round about 9:30, when brain finally got angry and basically shoved body out of bed.

So I don't know if my being tired to the point of almost falling asleep three times throughout the day is due to the sleep or is a more direct reaction to my new chemistry. the plastic-wrapped-ness of my interaction with the world was less today, though still there; I sort of watch myself have certain thoughts. but the world felt more immediate today.

I irrationally wish I had applied to UC Merced right now. it seems like the place to be. My grandpappy always said "be willing to go 'round the world to find whatever it is that makes your world go 'round."

he didn't really say that, of course. I had two grandpas, and no grandpappies. My daughter calls her grand-dad Papa; she doesn't know *what* to call my dad, which is sort of funny. and sort of sad.

Interesting: even though I'm more tired, I also have more energy, as paradoxical as that seems -- I took two bike-rides downtown, and a medium-length walk, plus pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups. I need to do *more* sit-ups; though some of you may find this hard to believe, I am beginning to develop a belly. srsly. I think if I just bike every day this summer and get some sit ups in, I'll be okay, but I have to keep reminding myself -- I'm 30 now. no more body-health free pass.

much to my chagrin.
pope

(no subject)

One of the things I really like about LJ is that it makes you realize how everyone goes through the exact same shit. It may work out better for some than others, but there are some Basic Contemporary American Experiences that we all encounter.

One of the things that makes me sad about LJ is hearing about every time something doesn't work out; it makes me feel -- not cynical, but like I need to vet every relationship I enter or even consider entering super-hard, 'cause you never know who is going to pull the rug out from under you when. Makes one, if not necessarily skeptical, then at least super-cautious.

blah. day 2: let's go.
pope

(no subject)

lessee. I took my first pill at 10:30 am, or thereabouts, and felt slightly woolly / disconnected until about 5:30. I feel completely normal now. It made for an interesting day; I was *very* tired for an hour or two, then *very* chatty, a little dizzy, and way clumsier than normal, which was frustrating and a little painful, since I went for a bike ride and nearly bit it a few times with my new, nonexistent spatial sense. More than anything, it felt like I had moved from 1st person to an ever-so-slightly removed camera view. thoughts took an extra second to propagate, stimulus took an extra second to trigger response.

Did my first day of tutoring with my nephew today, and that was interesting. Much less frustrating than normal, even though he was just as ridiculous as ever. this kid . . . he's memorized all the wrong things. He has portions of his multiplication tables memorized, but he still counts with his fingers. He doesn't understand the simple tricks for adding or multiplying 9s, adding 5s and 10s, any of that sort of stuff. He guesses right, sometimes, but it's clear that he's guessing. last year we worked really hard on fractions, but he still doesn't understand what fractions *mean*. And next year his elementary school is switching to a new math program, which is way harder than the one he had been in.

Sigh. anyhow. we'll get there.
pope

(no subject)

So. I don't know that I've talked about this explicitly. Tomorrow will be the first day of my 6-week trial run on Prozac. When I talked to the doctor about it, I remember describing the depression and sounding phony, thinking it's not really that bad, I'm basically over it. But I got the prescription anyway, and I'm glad I did -- last night was . . . not a good night, and it reminded me that I was taking these steps for a reason.

That said, I'm not convinced that SSRIs are the answer -- based on my previous experience with serotonin altering drugs, I tend to react very strongly to them, and there are plenty of horror stories about prozac; it sounds alot like trying to repair a house with only a hammer. And also like the first shot, mostly in the dark, towards finding a mind-chemical cocktail that will actually work.

And I don't have the money to go through a prolonged process with head doctors. I've only seen the prescribing doctor as many times as I have because concerned family is footing the bill, and that's not a ledge I like standing on for longer than I have to.

So. anyhow. We all know by now that I am not good at keeping on writing schedules I set for myself, but I am going to try to record, at least briefly everyday, my 6 week prozac experience.

hrm. the thing that bums me out a little is that in six weeks I'll be in Italy, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be a prozac zombie during my first international trip. If I don't feel like it's helping at all after a month, or if I feel muzzy or weird or uncomfortable, I may just self-medicate down to one capsule every other day, instead of one a day, during that trip.

anyhow anyhow. I actually am a little hopeful about this -- combined with not drinking for a month, at all, and only moderately during weeks 5 and 6. lately I've been more nervous than usual, and my skin has been tight and over-sensitive. Anything that helps with that: golden.

how're you?
pope

(no subject)

in our most recent episode:

blah blah, whine whine, no one likes me, i'm not pretty enough, I must be crazy for thinking i'm a neat dude since clearly not many other people think so; and i'm going to die alone.

you know, the usual. just a bad day.