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8th May 2010


I don't really use -- or frankly care -- about LJ anymore. but I wanted to share this clip with one person who I can only find through this site. so: hello and goodbye.

6th July 2009

9:16pm: emotions and sunburn
are two of the things I am having right now. The emo has returned, which forces me to ask whether the prozac actually is doing anything other than making me weirdly spaced-out occasionally. But it's been a very fun couple of weeks; I went out to Mendocino and then up to Medford with Sarah, then hung out with my brother for a weekend, got a nice sunburn working on his property. i feel slightly less out of shape than I used to. and tomorrow is my 'orientation' for Chico State, and I'm unsure about what I need to bring; the official school line is that I have to bring proof of my childhood immunizations, but I honestly haven't seen them in 3 years, so I'm hoping they'll let it slide.


things proceed apace.

21st June 2009

12:03am: 1) I hadn't realized how . . . debilitating the anxiety-type feelings were until I started the medication. Now I notice them but they don't hobble me; I see the thoughts / feelings from a slight distance, notice them, move on.

2) I feel pretty much everything that way. slightly removed. I still know that I'm lonely and unhappy, but now it's a thud and not a stab. If that makes any sense?

3) I heard the Shimmies doing a cover of Nirvana's "Aneurysm" today. A: God I love live music. B: I never hear Nirvana covers -- is that 'cause it's sacrosanct or just not interesting to musicians? C: We *are* in post-post-punk now, aren't we? The guys in the band made a joke about how they just wrote that song yesterday, and maybe a quarter of the people in the room didn't get why the rest of us were chuckling. weird.

*shrug* I've been that person before. not in on the joke or the musical / cultural reference. Will Stenberg, aka apparently Willy Rubio (insert eye roll) used to bust my chops constantly for trying to act like I was in the know when I wasn't. I just wanted to be liked. I think he meant well, but I took it hard.

blah. also! went to a baseball game today. fun!

17th June 2009

4:20pm: I'm a negative crepe. (heh.)
Called Paige to see if she wanted to go a-baking today. she did, but I wanted to make crepes, for brunch, so I could, y'know, eat them. She wanted to bake fancy chocolate cake for the folks who did her biopsy. She won, which is cool except I didn't get to eat crepes. OR cake. so we spent 5 hours in the kitchen and I didn't get any food.

but baking was fun. I've missed it. I definitely seem to have more every-day energy lately. that's nice. maybe it's just that I'm bored out of my gourd because I have no money for the next 15 days and nothing to do with my time? yeah, that could be it.

16th June 2009

10:17pm: I woke up this morning and my mind was wide awake and ready to do things. anything, it didn't care what. this was at about 6:30 in the morning. I tried to move, but my body was having absolutely none of it. that's a pretty new experience for me -- usually all of me wakes up at the same time. This went on until round about 9:30, when brain finally got angry and basically shoved body out of bed.

So I don't know if my being tired to the point of almost falling asleep three times throughout the day is due to the sleep or is a more direct reaction to my new chemistry. the plastic-wrapped-ness of my interaction with the world was less today, though still there; I sort of watch myself have certain thoughts. but the world felt more immediate today.

I irrationally wish I had applied to UC Merced right now. it seems like the place to be. My grandpappy always said "be willing to go 'round the world to find whatever it is that makes your world go 'round."

he didn't really say that, of course. I had two grandpas, and no grandpappies. My daughter calls her grand-dad Papa; she doesn't know *what* to call my dad, which is sort of funny. and sort of sad.

Interesting: even though I'm more tired, I also have more energy, as paradoxical as that seems -- I took two bike-rides downtown, and a medium-length walk, plus pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups. I need to do *more* sit-ups; though some of you may find this hard to believe, I am beginning to develop a belly. srsly. I think if I just bike every day this summer and get some sit ups in, I'll be okay, but I have to keep reminding myself -- I'm 30 now. no more body-health free pass.

much to my chagrin.
9:46am: One of the things I really like about LJ is that it makes you realize how everyone goes through the exact same shit. It may work out better for some than others, but there are some Basic Contemporary American Experiences that we all encounter.

One of the things that makes me sad about LJ is hearing about every time something doesn't work out; it makes me feel -- not cynical, but like I need to vet every relationship I enter or even consider entering super-hard, 'cause you never know who is going to pull the rug out from under you when. Makes one, if not necessarily skeptical, then at least super-cautious.

blah. day 2: let's go.

15th June 2009

9:47pm: lessee. I took my first pill at 10:30 am, or thereabouts, and felt slightly woolly / disconnected until about 5:30. I feel completely normal now. It made for an interesting day; I was *very* tired for an hour or two, then *very* chatty, a little dizzy, and way clumsier than normal, which was frustrating and a little painful, since I went for a bike ride and nearly bit it a few times with my new, nonexistent spatial sense. More than anything, it felt like I had moved from 1st person to an ever-so-slightly removed camera view. thoughts took an extra second to propagate, stimulus took an extra second to trigger response.

Did my first day of tutoring with my nephew today, and that was interesting. Much less frustrating than normal, even though he was just as ridiculous as ever. this kid . . . he's memorized all the wrong things. He has portions of his multiplication tables memorized, but he still counts with his fingers. He doesn't understand the simple tricks for adding or multiplying 9s, adding 5s and 10s, any of that sort of stuff. He guesses right, sometimes, but it's clear that he's guessing. last year we worked really hard on fractions, but he still doesn't understand what fractions *mean*. And next year his elementary school is switching to a new math program, which is way harder than the one he had been in.

Sigh. anyhow. we'll get there.

14th June 2009

11:00pm: So. I don't know that I've talked about this explicitly. Tomorrow will be the first day of my 6-week trial run on Prozac. When I talked to the doctor about it, I remember describing the depression and sounding phony, thinking it's not really that bad, I'm basically over it. But I got the prescription anyway, and I'm glad I did -- last night was . . . not a good night, and it reminded me that I was taking these steps for a reason.

That said, I'm not convinced that SSRIs are the answer -- based on my previous experience with serotonin altering drugs, I tend to react very strongly to them, and there are plenty of horror stories about prozac; it sounds alot like trying to repair a house with only a hammer. And also like the first shot, mostly in the dark, towards finding a mind-chemical cocktail that will actually work.

And I don't have the money to go through a prolonged process with head doctors. I've only seen the prescribing doctor as many times as I have because concerned family is footing the bill, and that's not a ledge I like standing on for longer than I have to.

So. anyhow. We all know by now that I am not good at keeping on writing schedules I set for myself, but I am going to try to record, at least briefly everyday, my 6 week prozac experience.

hrm. the thing that bums me out a little is that in six weeks I'll be in Italy, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be a prozac zombie during my first international trip. If I don't feel like it's helping at all after a month, or if I feel muzzy or weird or uncomfortable, I may just self-medicate down to one capsule every other day, instead of one a day, during that trip.

anyhow anyhow. I actually am a little hopeful about this -- combined with not drinking for a month, at all, and only moderately during weeks 5 and 6. lately I've been more nervous than usual, and my skin has been tight and over-sensitive. Anything that helps with that: golden.

how're you?
5:10am: in our most recent episode:

blah blah, whine whine, no one likes me, i'm not pretty enough, I must be crazy for thinking i'm a neat dude since clearly not many other people think so; and i'm going to die alone.

you know, the usual. just a bad day.

13th June 2009

1:33am: one more day done. that's about all I can say for this one, folks.


it may even be Cigarette Time. bleh.

12th June 2009

12:56am: so often I feel like a scavenger, gnawing on the dead bones of someone else's life.

in probably-related news, I've joined the madding crowd, and am going to start a trial run of prozac shortly. I will continue with updates from zombieland. we'll see.

9th June 2009

11:15pm: and since it seems like a lyrical day . . .
this has been running around my head all day; 10 years ago they were one of my favorite bands, but I haven't listened to them in ages, now.

(She said) How can I make this unhappen?
(I said) You cannot make this unhappen
Choose before your choices fade away
(She said) I could be home by tomorrow
(She said) If I could beg, steal, or borrow
I said you're there, you might as well stay

interesting. I never realized that this song was about infidelity until reading the lyrics in full just now. In my head were just those two lines "I could be home by tomorrow / if I could beg steal or borrow".

things you learn.
10:57pm: rambling like nash.
I don't even know what a Nash Rambler was. a car of some sort. was / is? whatever.

point is: a) this is not the world we wanted to build. b) I have had 5 days with no work or no school. am now officially bored. Still very few friends in Chico. c) when we are bored our thoughts to turn to revolution. this is probably why we invented gruntwork in the first place.

anyhow. I am probably comin' up to Portland this June sometime for a week or so -- are there any events I should plan on trying to attend? let me know so I can make sure to be there on appropriate dates.

Been reading more sci-fi and fantasy, and picked up the Chushingura again -- that is a sure sign I am bored, when I start talkin' about the Space Samurai sci-fi oater I will never actually get around to writing. though I have all this time now, I should write something, it will probably be screed. Man the world just ticks me off sometimes. Aren't we as people ultimately in charge, as a group, of how we organize ourselves? of course we are. So why the hell are we organized this way, with so many people and so many things either unhappy or underfed or undermedicined or destructive or self-destructive or some combination of the above?

yeah I know people will say 'but this is the best system we've got, even if it's not great,' but that is of course a load of bull. we could make a better system if we were really willing to put our backs into it. So what would a better world look like to you?

For me it basically boils down to two things: bikes and education. Everything you need is in biking distance, cars are communally owned and reserved only for emergencies, kids go to school 6 days a week and everyone understands and lives that the basic goal of a society is to produce intelligent, kind, thoughtful kids.

But yours will be different, of course, and I am curious about what it is for you?

5th June 2009


The half of you who share my friendslist with daemonwise have already seen this. those who don't will probably enjoy it anyhow.

I don't know which was more surprising: Kermit as Mr. Pink or Fozzy as Harvey Keitel.

4th June 2009

10:42am: Whoa. David Carradine. didn't see that coming. RIP.

3rd June 2009

11:23pm: amazing storm happening now -- warm summer rain, constant lightning makes the sky look like we're living under a bruise. the lights are flickering. punctuations for some sentences we're too small to see / hear.

two drinks in after a night of trying to write for the first time in months. melodramatic, sure, but also moving. under the surface. you know. frozen rivers, etc. doesn't mesh well with the stormy image above. sure.

literary images of profound loneliness -- that's maybe why I like post-apocalyptic fiction so much. characters dealing directly with enforced solitude.

so: best writer of loneliness? my money is on Haruki Murakami. you?

Gah. drunk. action movies. driving to the coast tomorrow, I think. with grandmother, but still: coast. anyone in a position to join? I miss you all.

31st May 2009

10:55pm: If medication weren't so expensive, the internet would go out of business.
went to joanie's wedding this weekend. I've only in the last couple of years started to care about my siblings, and I still haven't really sorted out how I feel about Joanie, let alone her getting married to some drunk frat guy. (Brent. . . what to say? he's . . . he tries. he may not actually try to like Joanie's family, but he tries to act like he does, at least, which is decent of him, I suppose. There were some slightly awkward moments during the varies Wedding Events in which it was clear that from the planners point of view this was All About Brent. *sigh* whatever.)

but that's not what this is about. I had Morganne with me, and there were lots of interesting interactions -- with her, with family, with unknown people, with my mom's husband -- who apparently still doesn't get that I don't like him *double shrug*.

Being with Morganne was awesome, of course -- we don't often spend this much consecutive time together, but there was very little awkward stuff; we just turn into the best father / daughter team around. I have a bunch of photos that will go up on facebook, and maybe flickr too, soon. And Morganne and Tevra (my brother's girlfriend) got along wonderfully -- it was nice for Morg to have a lady to talk to.
blah blah blah: family, relationships, parenthoodCollapse )

24th May 2009

2:32am: cinema like it oughta be. or something.
I just finished watching 'Sukiyaki Western Django.' If you haven't seen it, I think many of you (esp. the doomsters) would get a kick out of it -- the brainchild of Miike and Tarantino, it's sorta gory in a silly way, but it's a trip. Samurai western with a steampunk feel? yespleasekthx.

21st May 2009

10:27pm: trying to come up with a father-daughter road trip mix CD. I really don't know how her musical tastes run.

File under "Chico is a Small World": I have two rambunctious but awesome young students; one of them used to call me 'twin' for a week after we both shaved our heads at the same time. They're siblings. Today I met their parents at our open-house presentation. I looked at her, she looked at me, and said 'is your name Tommy?'

It was Karen, from high school! Who was Karen, you may well ask? She was a sort-of-friend, but she was definitely part of my 'group.' Me and Casey and Nathan and Kelly and Ali and Karen. We went to dances and football games together, had drama, had our first drinking experiences, dated one another in almost every possible combination -- though Karen and I never dated; she was both of my best friends' first girlfriend. She was also a completely trampy nutcase. in the bad way. given that, it was surprisingly awesome to see her. She grew up well, looks happy, sane and stable. And I really do like her kids.

file under "B is (my GPA) for Academics": My last homework of the spring term is now complete! and the big work-presentation was today! so much less stress in my life; all I have to do now is not bomb two tests and I'll escape with a C and an A. Of course, I'm also gearing up to help dad with the course he's teaching this summer. but that's another story.

So endeth the update. eth.

18th May 2009

11:37am: so I've been thinking about my tendency to sort of mythologize some of my friends. Off the top of my head: Andre, Katie Worth, Cozeth, Al, Nathan Matthews. And really, I don't have much contact with any of those people other than Cozeth anymore, and I wonder if that's part of why. either I'm not 'cool' enough for them (read as: good enough for them) or I don't want to bring them back to the realm of the merely mortal by hanging out with them.

unconsciously, of course.

But I saw Katie Worth (and I'm glad that I don't blog on facebook, 'cause almost all of the above are there, while only Cz, from whom I have no secrets, embarrassing or otherwise, reads this) in a cafe the other day and just ducked my head. had no idea what I would've said to her, but it was clearly a weird reaction. here's this person I really like! quick! avoid her! I didn't bring my phone numbers to SF this weekend, so I couldn't get hold of either Danae or Andre, which sucks, 'cause it would've been nice to see a friendly / sane face. i'm not a very good friend in that I have a hard time keeping track of people, keeping in touch, once we're not in the same city. I *am* a good friend in that I continue to feel connected to and affectionate towards people, even after I rationally shouldn't because I don't keep in touch with them. In my head, most *real* friendships maintain themselves, simply remain. like unused telephone lines. the fact of the lines doesn't change, even if nothing is being transmitted on them.

I know that that analogy is false, though. for most people and msot friendships, at least.

working on that.

also I feel really adult right now. the trappings of adulthood are slowly accumulating around me, at least. next weekend my daughter and I will drive down to Aptos alone together, for two days of interaction without her mother around, at my sisters wedding. Daughter, car (borrowed but basically mine), new credit card, large family gatherings. adulthood? I'll tell y'all the secret that everyone knows: I want to be married already. it feels dumb and incorrect to me that I don't have a partner already. Frustrated at self for not allowing relationships to proceed at a better pace, in healthier ways, earlier in life. now I feel like I'm racing the clock a little. dumb, yes. but still there.

well, that's enough mind-vomit for now. love to all.

12th May 2009

1:48pm: stolen from aubkabob
81 words

Typing Test

9th May 2009

1:45pm: Saw Trek. good, funny, fun. could've been a little longer or 'deeper,' it was definitely sort of fluffy. But it was fun! though I would've liked Sulu's sword-fighting scene to be longer. In general, I wanted more Sulu. but then I always do. I heart Sulu. Lots of good jokes, two unexpected revelations, and Karl Urban and Simon Pegg stole the show.

6th May 2009

9:49pm: Hamlet had mom-issues, too.
ahh, mother's day. coincidentally, the same week as open house for daughter, nephew, and work.

but the open-houses are just scheduling stress. (and I still don't have a powerpoint from the kids for them to show their parents, but, you know, whatever. frankly.)

but mother's day. I never know how to get this one right. I talk to my biological mother 3 times a year, and we don't exactly get along. I live with my stepmom, and she's great, but . . . she's more like a room-mate than a parent; when I was a little kid and needed parenting, she was, well . . . uncaring. the woman I really looked up to back then was Julie Fry, but I haven't spoken with her in years. I probably should. but it feels really awkward since I cut off my interaction with the other Fry children.

Plus Brandy, of course, ever-flaky, self-obsessed Brandy who is the mother of my daughter.

I can only imagine what honest cards to each of them would say, since I don't intend to be honest, but nice. hrm. but cards are probably the way to go. that'll be an interesting conversation with the clerk at the card-shop. 'Just gimme a mom-day variety pack,' I will say.

I won't say that. muh. mother's day always makes me wonder the same thing; should I even get anything for my mom? do I owe her some feigned affection for the first ten years of my life, during which time she was, in fact, a pretty good mom? or to Branny, who broke my heart twice, is rapidly turning into a not-very-nice person, but is against all odds a good mom? well, okay, that answers itself.

this sounds whiny, but it's just rambling, in my head.

words, words, words . . . it is a book of satire, sir.

22nd April 2009

11:27am: waaaaait a second.
I just thought of something. In the BSG finale, it turns out when's the statute of limitations on spoilers?Collapse )

21st April 2009

9:55pm: I know that none of you are really sports fans, but all the same, I have to express my exuberance somewhere. the Portland trailblazers just pulled even in their 1st round playoff series by gutting out an incredibly tough win against the Rockets. and Brandon Roy, whose new nickname may be 'boy genius' just dropped 42 points against the team that is often called the best defense in the league.
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